Rachel Friedmann

10-15 years ago, I would never have imagined having text message conversations with my parents. Today, it is a great way to communicate without having to phone each other to share something that could easily be shared in a quick message. For instance, my parents recently took in a puppy. They had waited a few months since the beloved almost 17-year-old family dog had passed, before starting their search. To ensure they received family input, we received numerous pictures sent straight to our phones of potential pet siblings. Finally, they decided on a sweet puppy named Danny.

After being a Friedmann for about a month, Danny was raced to the emergency room for seizures followed by fluid-filled lungs. Today, Danny is at home being weaned off his meds. During the ordeal, my parents kept in touch via phone and yes, text message.

The poor vets probably had to smile. Everytime they walked into the room, my parents had to quickly get off their phones. Obviously, this is one example of many with my parents, but it is interesting to see how relationships and staying in touch has changed drastically. Now, to get M&D new phones with QWERTY keyboards…

“Along with other ‘noisy’ aspects of modern life, such excessive background social stimulation is very likely part of the reason why we see increasing levels of mental illness in most societies…the WHO expects that by 2020 mental illness will be the second most important cause of disability and morality worldwide…with the most common being anxiety disorder.” (See pages 120-121 in Pandora’s Seed)

The evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar showed that the average group size is closely related to brain size in various animal species. The larger the brain, the larger the group size because the brain can then keep track of more social connections or relationships. The human-sized brain is predicted at 150 for group sizes. This group size is found everywhere from military to hunter-gather bands. According to Dunbar, it isn’t that we cant remember more than this number; it’s a matter of what relationships are considered meaningful. We can remember up to 2,000 people, but 150 is the cap for meaningful relationships – hmm…did you just go and check your Facebook friend count?

Above the number of 150 it is hard to treat everyone the same way you would in a smaller group. In the past, communities have been known to spilt after they arrive at 150 members for this reason. We begin dehumanizing one another with passing comments – example: Facebook birthday posts. These passing acknowledgments are relatively meaningless. Our minds can’t handle that many social interactions and therefore we begin by dehumazing each other even in close quarters – think planes, hallways, sidewalks, and subways. People look at their blackberries or the floor to avoid having even more interactions than we already do. According to Wells’ in his book Pandora’s Seed, these are the reasons for the steepening increase in mental illness- we can’t handle the social interaction overload. Think about the number of email, social networking, and calendars we have to keep track of – its enough for even the calmest person to get anxious.

The only suggestion is to cut out the excess in our lives or create our own split – um, is that possible? I guess that’s why so many people are hiring others to handle their social media.

I first learned about Dunbar’s Rule or the Rule of 150 in Malcolm Gladwell’s book The Tipping Point. He states that the optimal number of individuals in a society that someone can have real social relationships with is 150, therefore companies and communities are most effective when they are less than 150 in number. I challenge anyone to sit down and write down the name of everyone you are in regular contact with – friends and family. This should not include all 1000 of your Facebook fans.

I am an avid reader and have to get in my fix of easy reading. I was surprised when I read in Cosmo magazine that we only really keep in touch and have relationships with 150 of our friends on Facebook. In Spencer Well’s Pandora’s Seed, he makes a connection between our hunter-gather ancestors and Facebook. In his book, he states that the average number of friends people have on Facebook is 130, just under the 150 cut off. Therefore, for the majority of Facebook users that want to stay in touch and share with those they have the closest relationships with just like bands of hunter-gathers that didn’t go behind that count in their groups.

The next time you think about adding another Facebook friend, consider whether or not they fall within your 150? I know I probably won’t….

I first heard of the no asshole policy during an interview – “we don’t hire and we don’t have clients, who are assholes.” I loved the idea so when I heard there was book, I had to pick it up from the library. In Robert I. Sutton’s book, The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t, he has a few gems advice thrown in amidst  a plethora of scientific research.

Although, the book intends to facilitate navigating a difficult work environment, his advice can also be used in social media. He quotes Univ. of Michigan’s Karl Weick “Fight as if you are right, listen as if you are wrong.” At Intel they use this model for having constructive arguments in order to help facilitate a better working environment and to lose less time over small emotional arguments. I agree that this is great advice for not only the workplace, but in our everyday interactions.

Of course, I always think about how advice like this can be related back to the wonderful world of the web. Many companies set up Twitter and other social networking accounts to help subdue upset clients, respond to customer inquires, and/or found out how to offer better services or products. I think that anyone who is handling social media should also consider Karl Weick’s advice. One of things many forget to do while online is to really listen to their customers, not just react. Listen as though you are wrong; in the eyes of an upset customer you are.

In this telecommuting world, many meetings are being conducted using information technologies. Sutton’s book references a study by Stanford’s Pamela Hinds and Diane Bailey showing that conflict can be higher and trust lower when information technologies are used rather than face-to-face meetings.  Emails and phone calls provide little information in the form of facial and body language cues and verbal intonations. Without in-person interactions, it is easier for people to create overtly negative opinions of one another. I have longed believed that not meeting in person can lead to more miscommunication. How often have you or a co-worker misread in an email and then had to deal with the consequences? See my blog post: Miscommunication via Email

And one last gem, not related to the internet. A good way to assess an organization or detect whether a co-worker is an “asshole” is to listen for the word we instead of I or me in meetings and conversations.

I have asked others in the interactive world, how did you prepare for this career? The answer I receive usually is “I wing it as I go – reading blogs and twitter.”  I don’t know of any degree you can receive in interactive marketing or training course that would help propel one forward. So how does one become an interactive guru? Practice.

Like most, I stumbled on to the online arena by accident out of necessity for an organization I worked for about 6 years ago. This relatively new discipline relies on traditional marketing methods – strategy, targeting, branding, metrics, messaging, etc. but has twists and turns that are hard for even the most savvy to keep up with because it is constantly changing. An example, up until recently one had to go on to each of their social networking sites to make updates – now there are a plethora of online applications that make this easier and also allow you to track what your digital footprint’s impact is on your company, brand, or product. For many this is a marketer’s dream come true; for others its another intimidating technology or application to tackle and learn. This is where the almighty powerful interactive guru comes in.

I keep having the same conversation with people – social media should not just be about tactics, its about strategy and knowing the discipline. Many believe that anyone in their office can just start an online conversation, but really it takes experience and know-how to navigate the ever-changing world of the internet. Also, knowing what to say and how to say it is pretty important too.

As I was sitting at a coffee shop in Farragut North, I got a call from Bank of America that some irregular transactions had occurred. Since I never use my debit card except at the ATM, I knew something was up. Despite my always being careful and vigilant, it turns out my wallet had been stolen out of my purse. I thankfully had driven to where I was, still had my car keys, my blackberry, and laptop. I was able to quickly search all the phones numbers I needed to call and was able to get home without having to pay for metro or a cab. I was lucky.

At the time of the call I was working on another blog post, and since my blog is about whether or not we are too connected my mind started racing. I was lucky, my wallet had been stolen, but not my passwords!! I was able to quickly cancel everything in my wallet, make a police report (gotta love when they come to your apartment), and contact all credit reporting companies. If my laptop had been hacked into and monitored, I would have been screwed. Now, if the person who stole my wallet happens to find a business card and starts reading this post – my building is secure.

Sometimes it is good to be so connected. I was able to quickly contact everyone I needed to including my family, who was able to facilitate my making calls by finding numbers for me while I drove home (yes, without a license, but what chose did I have!). All calls, alerts, etc. have been made. I am off to the DMV in the morning and am looking forward to getting a better license photo. My advice, keep paper copies of everything in your wallet at home. I lived in New Orleans for 5 years, went to countless Mardi Gras parades, and my wallet pick-pocketed in a nicer part of DC, who would have guessed.

I worry about today’s younger generation and the generations to come. I can’t imagine being in middle school or high school and having a Facebook profile. Not only do kids these days have to worry about what they’re wearing, and the popular kids, but also promoting themselves online. I’ve heard that trying to put your emotions into words for a status update is not a healthy psychological activity. Trying to identify so concisely and then feel the need to share with the world is not how we naturally operate. The younger generation no longer gets a break from social pressure when they get home from school because they immediately go online and have a second environment in which to compete with each other.

As for adults, when we have a problem or issue, or even great news we no longer call our friends immediately, we post it on Facebook and wait for a response. I have heard arguments for and against posting sonogram pictures and post-birth images of the baby before they have been cleaned off. It’s great that we share but sometimes we go overboard. We are also in the same trap as the younger generations, always being on and feeling the need to share. I understand that it is great relief for some to share their news instantaneously online with everyone, but what happened to the good old fashioned phone call?

I was first introduced to this idea in Tim Ferriss’ book “Four-Hour Work Week,” but I’ve still not mastered it. We are all to tied to our e-mail, Facebook, and Twitter. It eats up most of our time and makes us less productive. I was talking to a friend recently who sets times each day to check her e-mail in an effort to become more productive at work. For those of you, you may be considering it, check out Tim Ferriss’ blog post “How to Check E-mail Twice a Day… or Once Every 10 Days” for tips on e-mails and autoresponders to start checking your e-mail less often during the day and having more time for more important things.

Now if only I could follow his advice.

In Robert Cialdini’s book “Yes! 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to be Persuasive,” I first learned about the concept of the labeling technique. This strategy involves assigning a trait, attitude, belief, or other labels for person, and making a request of that person consistent with that label. In a nutshell, it’s an easy way of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Recently, I saw some Green Peace workers on the street. One person’s technique was to call out to people “hey, you look like an environmentally-friendly person.” Of course, she was using the labeling technique in order to then ask for support for Green Peace. I liked her strategy, but unfortunately it didn’t work for her from what I saw.

After Seth Godin’s event yesterday, I got to thinking about this concept. I have worked in environments, where people subscribed to the belief that they are anti-lizard brain, to use a Seth Godin’s term. Basically, the lizard brain is our innate sense of resistance for self-preservation. What’s humorous to me, is that I have noticed a lot of people who label themselves are actually the opposite. In one work environment, where people were actively reading Seth Godin’s blog, I received the most resistance to small risk-taking and creativity; because they really wanted another cog in the factory to do as they were told.

Another area where I’ve seen self labeling hypocrisy is in the DC social scene. I was recently out with people who were self-described as “genuine.” The opposite was the case. These people were the first to question another person’s “worth” before continuing a conversation. This got me thinking, are people’s self-awareness completely off or do some people strive to be something they will never be?

“Instead of saying let’s get bigger by staying average, consider staying small by being exceptional.” -Seth Godin

When asked what my ideal job would be, I immediately think doing online marketing for something I believe in – non profit or otherwise. Why? I want to contribute, make an impact, and most importantly do something I believe in. Those all sound like nice ideals, but that is the type of environment where I am my best.

As I sit here, listening to Seth Godin going on about how there are too many painters, but not enough artists, I realize we each have our own creative genius waiting to be unleashed. I am waiting for that opportunity, but maybe I need to stop waiting and make that opportunity happen. Hmmm…Bigger can mean corporate or huge growth, I prefer to be my petite and smart self.

Keep coming back for my stream of consciousness while listening to Seth Godin all day.